Today was a rough day..
As a parent of a child, or in my case children with Type 1 diabetes, there are so many levels of emotions that come with the everyday minute to minute care of diabetes.
There is
Sadness... I often feel sadness when I see my child in pain because they have to change a pump site. They are frustrated with diabetes and with life in general and there is not much I can do to help. I can't fix it for them. I cant take this disease away from them. Sadness when my child yells "I hate diabetes, I dont want it anymore!" Sadness when I see their sores all over their body from pump sites and CGM sites. When I see their callused fingertips that never get a real chance to heal. Sadness when that meter says 432 and we are at school and I see the disappointment on their face because they know they have to do a site change and they feel really crummy but they have to continue on with their day..when all I really want to do it take them home and cuddle them!! Sadness when they express frustration with the disease and all I can say is Im sorry...but Im sorry isnt enough.
Fear... fear when its late at night and they are sound alseep but their blood sugar is in the 40s... what if I hadnt check ed them.. what if one night I sleep through it and they dont wake up.. Fear when they arent home and I dont know if they are doing what they need to to be safe with their diabetes..what if they pass out and no one knows what to do? I dont live in fear, but I have days when I have fear...
Helplessness... Often I feel helpless. When their numbers are all crazy and their pump site isnt working, or its kinked, when they keep dropping even though we made sure they were at a good number..when they are exhausted because they had 2 lows that night and they didnt sleep much but they have to get up for school anyway and act like everything is great when no one know what they went through all night... when they are in tears because they dont want to rip the site out...I feel helpless because even though they dont want to get it, they NEED to get that pump site so they can get their insulin. Helpless when they ask about a cure and I have no answers for them...
Frustration...Oh the frustration!!! Living on barely any sleep because every night at least one of them has a high or low and their CGM is going off. Frustration because of the medical bills and prescriptions I am constantly filling.. frustration because there is not one thing I can do to make this disease easier for any of us...frustration because sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for the high or low they are experiencing! This disease is so unpredictable!
The stress is often overwhelming but you have to just keep going. Their lives depend on it.
Theres no day off from it, theres no break and theres no answer..You just have to keep going..
I have to be reminded of this quote.. and remind my children of it. They have the emotional and physical pain of this disease. Even though they are tough and push through, they are struggling every day. Especially lately.
I know in life, we need to be positive and find the good in our lives. There is so much good. and we are so very blessed.. but that doesnt take away the daily struggle..
I love this quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf,
"Being grateful in times of distress does
not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It
does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges. When we are grateful to God
in our circumstances, we can
experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can
still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s
Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness
and warmth of heaven’s embrace."
Diabetes is hard.. for everyone involved... It is a day to day disease...
I know my kids are strong.. they are so very brave... I know they are much more thatn the pain and frustration this disease causes... Some days, they need a little reminder of that. Days like today....
